officials unveiled a plan Wednesday to cut down on the number of computers infected with viruses by making computer condoms free to the public.
Very similar to the condoms we all know and love, computer condoms will simply be larger, designed to fit over a computer and serve as a thin plastic shield against viruses floating through the air and the Internet.
Condom historian Mitchell Blardman points out that the city’s new campaign reflects not only a major new development in the rich history of condom technology, but a bold leap forward in the conceptual uses of condoms.
“Condoms have been around ever since early homo sapiens hollowed out the penises of their enemies and put them on top of their own,” Blardman said. “Since then, we’ve seen everything from the wooden condoms of the French aristocracy during the 1700s to Victorian metal condoms of the industrial revolution. When we hit the space age, it’s like ‘Pow! Major breakthrough coming, guys! Plastic!’ Now we’ve reached a postmodern peak because these computer condoms aren’t even designed to fit on human penises. It really broadens the idea of what condom can and cannot be.”
Most people are excited and encouraged by what they see as a progressive step by the local government. Instead of just teaching people that looking at porn on the Internet is inherently bad because it increases the chance of getting a computer virus, the new campaign is not concerned with condemning the debatable concept of immorality; its focus is instead on teaching its populace how to use modern information technology safely to get off. The majority of San Franciscans interviewed were proud to have such a non-judgemental policy in place in their city.
Still, there are skeptics of the new plan lining the hallways.
“Stop me if I sound crazy,” said software technician Amanda Byrne, at which point I did. Undaunted, she continued on, stating that “[she] always thought that computer viruses were transferred through the Internet and wires and other computers, not the air.” Other people have voiced concerns about screen visibility and whether or not they would be able to open the CD tray through the plastic.
Seizing the opportunity to capitalize on its reputation for being nearly virus-free, Apple has gone so far as to implement a new ad in their well-received ‘Mac v. PC’ series centered around the computer condom. In the commercial, the charming young actor that portrays the Mac offers an apple to the portly actor representing the PC, who is unable to move or speak intelligibly due to the body-condom he has been squeezed into. The Mac laughs as he grinds the apple onto the plastic-covered face of the PC and then mumbles a dead-pan, ‘Dick,’ as he walks off-screen.
The government’s response has been a call to personal responsibility. As in the past, they say, people are going to have to learn to live with a little bit of discomfort in order to protect themselves and their work.
“It’s a small price to pay in order to be sure your computer is safe,” said spokeswoman Brenda Chairzle.
As for the charges that a layer of plastic over the outsdie of a computer will not stop the communication of viral diseases through the Internet, the government feels completely confident in their scientific team, which assures them of the new condom’s effectiveness.
“Look, no one can tell what all this technical mumbo-jumbo means: Internet, wires, blah blah blah…” said Chairzle. “All I know is that we paid our highly skilled team to tell us what works and they have.”
The computer condoms will be distributed from vending machines in offices and at computer stores in San Francisco beginning with next week.
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